There’s the old saying “Sticks + stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me….” which, is completely untrue. Words hurt. People’s actions hurt. As I was so gently reminded of this past weekend. It was Sunday evening, and we were just coming in from roasting s’mores at the hotel when a very nasty e-mail showed up in my inbox. It was so rude, that at first I thought it was one of my friends playing a joke on me (and the e-mail address was some made-up, let me send this e-mail to you, one….) and as I got further and further into it, I could feel my stomach churning. You see, I’m a very sensitive person. Always have been, always will be. Given that, I don’t naturally let situations like this “roll off my shoulder….” and when people say “you have to get a thicker skin…” you can’t take away that initial sting.

Having been a sensitive person all my life, I discovered ways to deal with negative, manipulative, and rude people in a way that allowed me to respect who I am (sensitive), while still not taking things too personally. It’s my hope that someday Harper will grow up in a world where people don’t hide behind a phone screen (or computer screen for that matter) and spew negative and hurtful messages, but, if that’s not possible, I do hope to show her, and teach her, healthy ways to deal with situations like the one above…..

I should note here that I’m not at all referring to “constructive feedback….” someone providing you with some truth that could possibly help you perform better, or be better at what you do (i.e. a good yearly review at work…. or when some is providing a suggestion that they think would improve something you’re doing….). I am referring to individuals whose intention is to be offensive and hurt you with their words. I’ve yet to meet a person who doesn’t have a story in which they’ve encountered situations that have involved toxic people, so today I’m sharing the 4 ways I’ve learned to personally deal with toxic people throughout my life…. because part of a healthy life, is surrounding yourself with healthy relationships…..

1. Acknowledge The Feeling: In my post last week on managing negative feelings, this was one of the first tips…. and it’s number one today, because it’s so important. Once you’re able to acknowledge the feeling, you’re able to give yourself space to experience them before you respond. I think that it’s often easy to have a knee jerk reaction, to respond out of anger, and then you’ve stooped to the other person’s level. When I received that e-mail, I let myself sit with it. I acknowledged that it stung… that it made me question everything I was doing. I started to write back, and stopped. I texted my sister, chatted about it with TJ. Talked about my feelings. Taking a step back, a few very deep breaths, and allowing myself to feel, without needing to respond, let me make a rational decision as to how I wanted to deal with the situation. A decision that I could live with and be proud of.

2. It’s Them, Not You: Bottom line, negative and manipulative people’s behaviors have everything to do with who they are than who you are. Hurt people hurt people… they need company in their pain. Time is something that you can never get back, so people who choose to use it spreading hate must not be very happy in their own life. I always talked about this with clients, and used it this past weekend. While it still hurt, once I was able to frame the situation this way, I actually felt more sorry for the person who took precious time out of their last few hours of the weekend to compile a nasty e-mail.

3. Know Your Worth: Manipulative and negative people can typically spot an individual’s weakness and prey on it… which is why knowing your worth is so important. When you’re aware of, and believe in, the value you have as a person, their attacks won’t make you second guess yourself for very long. You’ll be able to confidently stand on your values, your worth, and your strengths without allowing them to tear you down in the intended way. Last weekend, while I second guessed myself for a little while, I was eventually able to fall back on who I was am a person and my values to move past the negativity.

4. Limits + Boundaries: When I would talk with clients about setting limits and boundaries with unhealthy relationships we spent time exploring how the relationship impacted them… typically they ascribed feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, fear, and drama with those relationships…. time and time again (i.e. a repeated pattern). Having negative, drama filled individuals in our lives is a choice… we either allow the drama/negativity to stay, or we invite it in. It is perfectly okay, and healthy, to say that a relationship is toxic and put up limits + boundaries (i.e. having a conversation with the person and letting them know that if this pattern continues you won’t be able to be friends, etc….). I’ve had a couple relationships in my life where allowing someone to stay was more toxic than it was healthy… and had to end the relationship (both male + female). In the case of last weekend, simply blocking an IP address or follower on social media is an effective boundary + limit.

And while I make a list of four ways, there are many other healthy ways to manage negative relationships. These are merely the ways I’ve found the most helpful for myself over the years…… and the tools I hope to armor Harper with.
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(Tank)