While we were in Hawaii last week, in addition to celebrating TJ’s birthday, little miss turned 9 months old. I had great plans on shooting a bunch of photos of her on the beach in a cute outfit… but then, we got a little relaxed and the thought of dressing her up, when all she wanted to do was crawl in the sand, seemed a little too arduous. I figured a bunch of “real life” photos were better than anything posed…. and that they capture the true essence of the month. With that, I give you my honest (maybe too much so) thoughts and reflections from the past month.

General Thoughts + Feelings: I am in absolute disbelief that Harper is now 9 months old. A part of me feels as if time has gone by so quickly…. and another part of me feels as if it has crawled by. Which I guess is how I felt this past month…. a big ball of contradictions. I am excited for her to grow up, but a part of me loves how she is right now. I finally went through her dresser drawers and had two large trash bags filled with clothes that no longer fit her…. like the outfit she wore home from the hospital. I never thought I would be impacted by something like that, but I was, and I had a tear in my eye…. all of this as she was knocking over some of my crystal glasses and I thought to myself, “I can’t wait until this phase is over.” It’s been the theme for the month…. as you will continue to see throughout this post. At times, I don’t feel as if I have the right words to adequately express my experiences…. because I feel as if they change day by day…. one day I feel completely competent, and others I feel as if I still don’t know what I am doing 9 months later. I am sure this is how I will feel throughout my entire motherhood journey….

Sleeping + Feeding: Well…. I consider myself lucky that little miss was sleeping through the night by 3 months…. and that she has always been an excellent napper. Yet for the past two weeks, we seem to have had somewhat of a regression. I am not sure if it has to do with teething (those top ones are giving her quit a problem), all of our traveling (all of us sharing one room….), or just her developing little mind, but naps have gotten shorter…. or she has just refused…. and we have had several middle of the night wake ups that haven’t happened since before she started sleeping through the night. To be honest, it slightly terrifies me. I’ve been researching and chatting with my friends, and I am just trying to take it all in strides. To see it as a minor set back… yet that’s sort of easier said than done when you’re running on minimal sleep. Am I right?

Another internal contradiction: I love having her awake more frequently because then it means that I can be out and about for longer stretches of time…. but less sleep also means less alone time. I am sure we will all fall into a rhythm over the next few weeks (at least I hope!).

Feeding. This has always been my biggest challenge as a mom. Nursing in particular. We’ve done a lot of work in helping Harper warm up to a bottle (this bottle was the key), and she most definitely has. To the point where she was getting one a day, with no resistance, and even her last feeding of the night was occasionally with a bottle. I was elated and thought that I would slowly begin the weening process. Then the top teeth started to cut through and… well… nursing + teeth isn’t fun. I was in a lot of pain (as in, bleeding) and couldn’t nurse as frequently. So, we started giving her the bottle for more feedings, thinking that she was ready to wean a little faster. Nope. It’s another area where we are needing to find some balance. I am likely going to slow the process down, with the hopes of being weaned within a month.

When we made this decision, I felt so emotional. With my nursing challenges, this was not what I was expecting. I felt a sense of relief…. a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, at the same time I was wrought with guilt. It is still something I am working out on my own, but I know that this is the right decision for me. I saw a quote that said something to the effect of this: I am the only one who can give my child a happy mother. It struck home. At times, I found myself getting frustrated with the nursing demands and knew that I wasn’t at my best…. but when I could sit and bottle feed her, I felt much more at peace…. like a much more present mother.

We are still going strong with solids. I actually love this part with Harper. Lately, I’ve been introducing thicker consistencies and all different types of food. For breakfast I make her this mixture and she loves it. We tried scrambled eggs (still warming to those)…. and when we are out to dinner we often give her bites off of our plate. We enjoy the process of having Harper join us at the dinner table in her high chair… and just last night I made a chicken soup and chopped it in the food processor for her. She went crazy over it…. and it was a great experience having her enjoying the same meal as we were.

I just purchased this book, on baby led weaning and how to create an adventurous eater (i.e. not a picky eater!!). I am looking forward to gaining some new information.

Fitness + Body: So, aside from being completely gluttonous over the past few weeks, I have been feeling much better about my postpartum body. It’s not where I would ideally like to be…. but I am feeling good. I sometimes catch myself making comments to TJ about my dissatisfaction, and then stop. I want to be very cognizant of the messages I send to Harper. I want her to love her body, and herself…. and that starts with me….

That being said, my main goal is to just eat clean + healthy, show her how to enjoy those indulgences in life, and to be more concerned with what’s on the inside (health wise) than what presents on the outside.

I just started a new class called Rock-a-Barre-Baby where I can wear Harper in her baby carrier and take a barre class. My legs were burning and she was giggling. I loved being able to include her in this experience. First, it demonstrates exactly what I want her to see…. strong women… and secondly, it gives her the interaction with other little ones her age. I’m hoping to be able to make it a regular occurrence.

Relationships: So many of my girlfriends recently (within the last month) had little ones. I’ve been loving touching base with them and reflecting on how much changes when you become a mom. We’ve all had similar, and at the same time, different experiences. We recently went on a trip to Ojai with my girlfriend and her little family. It was a great time… seeing us all as parents… and having to be responsible for little beings other than ourselves. While I don’t see my girlfriends nearly as much as I would like, I do love that we are all going through this journey together.

TJ and I continue to navigate (successfully, IMO) the journey of being parents together. In one of my mom’s groups, I mentioned that having been married for 6 years before we made the decision to have a baby made it easier, and more difficult at the same time. Easier in the sense that we had no regrets. We’d traveled, been spontaneous, had late late nights, and enjoyed laaaazy weekends…. so #NoRegrets. Yet, it was also a shock to the system. As a therapist I’ve always recognized the importance of the marital dyad in the health of the entire family. That is something TJ and I are very committed to. We make time for each other and always try to have open and honest communication.

Favorite Moments: Despite the struggles of the month, these little moments always make it sweeter….

Like the fact that little miss puckers up and gives a sweet little kiss when you say “Can I have a kiss?”…. she was even kissing a new little friend she met at barre class….

Her 3 tooth grin…. one on top, two on the bottom….

When I walk in the door and her face lights up and she claps her hands in excitement #MeltsMyHeart

Her mischievous little personality…. girlfriend gets into anything and everything that isn’t hers…

The fact that she is learning sign language… she almost has “more” down and we are working on “please” + “all done.” I want her to be able to effectively communicate her needs… and I’m starting this gal early.

Our Hawaii trip… despite some of the challenges in traveling with her… watching her level of curiosity and excitement made everything worth it….

When she says “mamama” + “dadadada” + “hiiiiiiiii”…..

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Wish us luck as we enter into the 10th month!!